"The more you deny the bigger suffering and no earth no heavens will help. Because torturing won't make you better, won't make you worse.
Stop repetitions of this celebration of rejections, of "no's" and denials.
You don't have to, because I know, I know and I'm not trying to change anything."
(me)
Fury of screen bright colors dancing in the light cones, all around me.
Why can't I breathe.
Sounds of the street.
People I swim between in some frantic but swift slalom, they blink and twinkle, unaware.
Their voices that merely audible and so alien that my brain melts them into shapes and scents because it's the only way to comprehend.
Escalator, tap the card, now front crawl, fast to surface, I'm out, I still can't breathe.
I'm not unhappy. "I'mnotunhappy","I'mnotunhappy","I'mnotunhappy","I'mnotunhappy".
All i see now is their feet, heels, buttocks' sway.
Trying to turn my head, I see kicked plastic cup rolling on left swerving dangerously on the right side of the curb, patterns...
Rushing up now, because there is little time,
I'm gonna be late again.
White feathers and sweat droplets.
I can't breathe.
Only the angel that follows me has a big black wings, pale white face with a pair of pitch black eyes staring at the world from behind of my shoulders.
Peacefully. Steadily and firm.
This angel has no mouth to speak, this angel feels only and in feelings is buried its heart like in ashes of this what was before. I, mistaken, tried to carve mouth on its face to make it speak to me. There was nothing but anger in return and it rained back with myriads of droplets of silence and no tears. I failed.
Now angel follows me whenever I go, it follows my emotions and my confused subconsciousness. But its ambivalent to everything what happens to me, to whatever I feel and anything I do, it is there for own reasons, reasons I don't want to understand. This angel don't want to be mine either, its there because it want to BE.
It won't go away even after me, with the same lack of smile or scorn on its face.
Like mime inside the invisible cage.
Like mime inside the invisible cage.
I jumped in the river and what did I see?
Black-eyed angels swam with me
A moon full of stars and astral cars
All the things I used to see
All my lovers were there with me
All my past and futures
And we all went to heaven in a little row boat
There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt
(radiohead "Pyramid song")
