Wa Pei

So it's The End. The end of 2009.

Christmas was almost on a "sleep over" mode. Yeah I prepared dinner and eve's supper. Plenty of food. A bottle of wine.

Greetings. One email from Eilla, 3 or four sms' in a "forward" style of greetings (including such: "Merry christmas da!", nothing in reply to my greetings I sent, in a form of sms or email. Neat. A record I'd say. Phone didn't ring even once. Got used to it, its kind of silent for months here.

Someone said I earned it. Maybe.

...maybe because of the silence on my side...but then again...friends... "friends"...

Short conversation on the phone with my mum on the Christmas eve, ended in tears, its really hard to listen to your mother's cry, specially on evening like this.

I'm here. Land without seasons, land with no mercy. Sell, buy, look good be happy. Monoculture to the max, monoculture squared. iPhone-ized, Lambo-ized reality.

(silly beetle hitting its tiny head on the monitor.Disturbing.Poor creature.)

I'm the screen.

I feel sad.

Alone.

The next days.

Very slowly coming back to reality, shadows of a plastic Christmas trees. Old woman (waitress) said I look like Richard Clayderman, she said that like some sort of an insult.

After accepting my order, she twisted swiftly on her feet and from a distance she announced with angry (serious!) face expression: "and you look like Richard Clayderman hor!"... like I did something to her, i had to check who's that guy later... oh god! o.o

Enough you have slightly longer hair.

Its obsolete anyway, because today I just cut my hair short, its neat i like it. Was fast and painless and stylist chick almost raped me washing my hair..I was praying she'd never stop..that was the best massage of my head I ever had in my life. Orgasmic and ended with breathed out whisper "so handshume" =.=" whatever it means I loved it. Only for that massage and shampooing of my hair I will go there again.

And Lily said that she's sweet, not ugly and better than stylist Buoei (Boey?..dang these Chinese names).

So yeah I will have better hair next year for sure :))

I'm tired, dear world I am so damn tired. I will slow down and close this circus for a bit. I need to hibernate. I will try to get up right after New Year's Eve, unless some unexpected circumstances ...

Happy New Year world, and thank you for stopping by in my private weird zone.

This shall be the last song (this year) in here... :)

   

  Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io 

 

Sunday. Just food.

I'm not really happy as you probably know, just to divert my troubled attention... I decided to cook.

Here it is. My rustic dinner. Sorry no recipes.

Red Wine Soup, Shiraz Minestrone (my humble invention).

The taste is about balance of  vegetables for broth and as usual Two Minutes Sauce ;). Base broth: vegetable broth (cauliflower, white radish, tomatoes, cabbage, capsicum), soup balm: french beans, red onions (shallots), bit of smoked bacon, 1 1/2 glass of cabernet sauvignon shiraz (the best vintage like in my soup, wine supposed to be crispy, rich and heavy in aroma and bouquet, otherwise its a waste of soup)

And it was yummy =}

Hmm this is..chicken, I've been told its the best chicken ever made, so well here it is, this dish has no name yet tho and maybe it doesn't look too impressive, but indeed its yummy. Marinated only 30 minutes in special Thai herb "lemon basil" (no idea what its real name) and specially prepared leeks(secret). Fried without oil with only one teaspoon of butter, later shimmered with magical Crispy Fresh Veggie mix (capsicum, onions something and something and one spoon of dry chili powder and..something Stewed for a bout 8 to 10 minutes. :P, it has refreshing crisp taste, with pleasant sweet and delicately sharp (chili) aftertaste. It isn't spicy dish. I'm so gonna patent it one day.

just french bean, cooked and later fried with white and black sesame seeds. with just a drop of butter.

Milk butter mashed. What else :) But its fluffy taste is LOVELY..simple stuff and whoa, taste like chicken!

Super Duper special roasted eggplant with Chinese leek and brushed with onion oil.

My desert, this pretty, too colorful flower, that's a set of strawberries in apricot milk (mashed apricot with specially prepared milk) on bed of bananas with vanilla raspberry snowball and freckled with arabica coffee.

That's all folks =}

PS.

Oh sorry I know "lame presentation" ... oh well. Camera? what camera? I have Omnia 2 ...so don't expect much for a cellphone.

Temporary shutdown of "me"

It's been one of the lamest years in the last decade.  To me, that is.

But last five days changed me completely. I lost even my Always Beautiful Thursdays, I've seen things and observed carnival of memories in my head like moments before dying. Everything changed in me.

I realized now. It was the worst Thursday I ever had in my life.

Nothing is gonna be the same anymore. I know never is, and every day even slightly shifts us into unknown areas, but this time its The Change, drastic brutal change of everything. Awakening into dark areas I never knew they exist. At this very moment I am able to agree on everything what my mother said about me in moments of most fierce wordy battles between her ego and "rebellious" me, I'm a loser babe..oh yeah I am a loser.

...but I like my log I like these crooked sentences, my WORDS messed up to the point in which they transcribe  into shape-shifting messages of even most intimate feelings, like slightly too intellectual song or  haiku of the lame sort. Sentences that tell stories in more than one possible way, into multiple meanings and hidden information. Its all about my mind, my tricky mind that writes here, its more like direct transmission of my thoughts into html format.

My HTML form of unwinding...no my html-ized emotions, state of mind and spirit. I have 12 drafts, including empty entries with only title. I have a readers I don't know, I have unknown visitors from Sherrills Ford, Koszalin, Toyota and even Bulgarians coming to my blog from google in the search of "Et moi dans mon coin" translation, and this all like (...) 

 Eighteen days of 2009 that left to go, won't change me more, won't do any justice or promises of the new 2010. I will try to survive, I will have to accept the changes. In between I shall prepare some Christmas shaped entry. Just to celebrate it with my blog. I still have time. For now technical shutdown of my thoughts would do good.

fake entry or 10 comm..hmph "A LISTING"

1. I thought I found an entry. I was almost wrong, merely right, it wasn't an exit, a wardrobe door.
2. At 11PM I ate one TimeOut and Boost candy bars and I felt good.
3. Pressed virtual buttons in my phone to check how patient I am.
4. I swallowed two pills, multivitamin and Pink Pill Of Bitter Taste.
5. I did feel the taste of fever.
6. Around 11:48PM I was thinking about my ex gf and the day she Found A Dog And It Was Nice (though it was smelly)
7. About 12:03AM I was thinking about my old friend Jessie and his sudden disappearance from San Jose.
8. At 12:05AM I was wondering if she ever gonna find a movie. She didn't.
9. 48 minutes past midnight I was horny for about 50 seconds and then realized it is just a fever.
10. 1:05AM I was wondering what am I thinking about. I realized I am wondering what I was thinking about, it was illuminating.

Yes I am sane, I have fever and aches here and there. 
I like my fever. 
I won't drink cough syrup I don't cough.
I like the idea of Strawberry Coughs marijuana and music of 60's. I really like my fever. 
I wonder am I gonna delete my latest entry (this you are reading) after this coma I'm in.
I wonder how this entry will taste without fever.
I will read. I promise. 
Please don't steal my images.
Thanks.










I CAN'T SLEEP NOW.

blood orange juice insomnia

I can't sleep. I'm sick in bed, feels like fever is mauling my bones. I wish I... its 3:45AM my phone sucks when it comes to posting.P.S "read"

OMG!! OML!!! STRANGE entry again

I don't understand people, no..wrong I have no social skills.Yup. I don't' have 'em.

I don't really know what should I ..know, what should I understand or how should i react or what should I say or ..and etc.

That's all.

Problems with communication..mebbe not ..dunno. whatever. what.

what?

what! 

Yup.

Today, today I am finally and officially tired of my Private Autumn. Went out for a dinner, we had..ehh crap I forgot what we had...wait lemme recall, oh right Japanese stuffs, I think I had garlic chicken , miso, salads , fruits, silver fish and hot sake, she had beef and similar stuffs. Then we went out to check TV sets. Nice, we checked and decided to get...an aircon. Yeah. We'll buy that aircon in the future. TV? what TV?

Later it was Japanese cafe (what else sighs), and I was enjoying super lovely coffee that had cost me...=.=" I think $3.80 or so. CHEAP anyway worth money. Rainy day, rainy night. Such a sorrow child I am...NOT!

I'm back to here again. Soon yet couple of days autumn will surrender to winter..and here in Singapore..nothing will change..nothing at all. How amazing =.=

Well I wanna be the first, and I'll say good bye to my private autumn. Bye., go away, hell ain't got no decent cafe in Singapore, so you are useless completely. Like paper shoes in rainy weather. Exactly.

 Time to explode. Time to ..raise hands ...yeah ya know how it goes already.

This scene setup i so BOHEMIAN, so drunk so ehh..NERDY i love it. I wanna get wasted same way like this dude Jason Donovan (guy playing with light switch and plastic cup), just i hope my "motor coordination" will be betta, dude shakes like with heavy parkinsons :)) (gawd he's so old O.o" she said, I agreed)..but heck who cares,

orgy people orgy,she doesn't love you? oh how sad, he left you cause he couldn't do better, she rejected you because you are just...and you you are jobless? and they dislike me because I didn't know?..aww OH MY LORD!...WHO CARES!!!! tears, laughter, soul is screaming, shouting ripping off da chest, baby wanna fly? Is there anyone else here who doesn't know? We're under fifteen feet of pure white snow....

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Fifteen Feet Of Pure White Snow
Uploaded by EMI_Music. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

GET UP AND LISTEN VERY VERY LOUD
...and I want you now...

Silent "hello" from the ground. Autumn day 2 & 3

Yeah well, I'm back. I's 1:54am I can't sleep (nothing new aye).

I had a crazy day, slow but steadily crazy. I left my wallet behind only two times, 3rd time it was a false alarm, I left it at home. Average in norm, I'd say routine, forgetfulness, I go that since wee childhood. So yeah day like everyday. Almost. Pretty much autumn like weather, raining, heavily, they say cold (75.2F (24C) o.O lol yeah that is "cold" here, sadly it won't get hmm "colder" anymore :))

Been tryin' to use my phone for communication with a use of mobile yahoo messenger..hmph..OMG that is slooooow. got bored very fast. Forget it.

My phone was pretty silent today, happens more and more often. Oh well I know I know, its all my fault. Fine. Not a biggie its not some "course of Millhavaven" or such, just silence. No one miss me, like its only me...ehh. Alright next, well next was home...and there silence, AGAIN =.= OK quickly filled it with music, phew and 'twas already pretty much alright. My equipment is still dead so I just slacked around, washed dishes..erm mugs, showered and went online to check stuffs. Checked....and etc etc so on and on etc again and etc...blah. 

And now..seems..so silly. Just checked dump site, aww and yeah :( oh and what did i expect :| I'm so stupid sometimes.\=|

The kindness of strangers, life aye...

Autumn I think most fertile in poems season right after spring, or maybe even better that spring. One of the most "dramatic" months, soaked in tears and rain, rain of tears , tears of rain, all's wet and sad and so "aww" oh and sometimes pretty much revolutionary month (dig if ya curious). Funny is how crime rates falling down in autumn compared to summer or burglary loving winter. Strange. Should be opposite, human nature is STRANGE, officially, I find it STRANGE.

What.

Yup so there it is, bit of autumn in this weird STRANGE entry, I'm not expecting understanding really.

I don't fully understand myself.

What.

Oh yeah seriously brilliant movie, light stuff, lovely and full of ROCK'N'ROLL..girls and boys shoo to theaters to watch "The Ship That Rocked". Please do, yes you , you too, pls go and watch. Please?

And I'm already thinking of how am i gonna fill tomorrow..I mean today, with stuff "to not to think"..wait a minute I think..I..hmm what.

What?

What.

Oh OK.

There pretty much to pump up autumn's crime rate, a video clip, song from the album "Murder Ballads" by Nick Cave and PJ Harvey (oh this passion I guess its because they were an item once..probably that time, an dno she did not kill him for real, I guess it was someone else..), so here it is "Henry Lee".

uncanny.

what.

...

what

The Boat That Rocked

Autumn..autumn..naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah I watched awesome movie. I feel great I like it I'm cool now I'm gonna watch again :| oh man I'm so so..hmmph =} I like it :D

Yup.

I do.

OK, autumn well I'll continue 'bout autumn tomorrow...maybe. 

Autumn cold, day one.

It's late autumn.
Autumn, the time of "the end" the time of good byes. The time of depressions, flu, rainy days, windy cold nights. Between lazy Summer and confused Winter, season like a funeral between life and life after death, that is if you believe in it...
To me, this used to be the worst season of 'em all. Now. But now I lost all of the seasons, and suddenly I felt strangely inadequate without Autumn...without autumn music, moods, melancholy of this season,  coffee and wine evenings with friends at cafe, returns home in windy, rainy weather, flu, muddy paths, parks patinated with broken gold and reds, walk home which slowly melts into grayed dirty days...

Because there's obvious autumn around me and in me...in this "seasonless" Singapore. Because so many unhappy souls, broken hearts, rain inside me and you... I decided I'll make my own autumn in my blog, with my old friend of my depressions (specially these Autumn Depressions) Nick Cave. "Enjoy" day one and hold on to yourself. 

a cartoon cartoon

Firstly, I’d like to thank everyone who takes the time to read this and I'd like to dedicate this cartoon to..myself.

Yup that's it, you're done reading this.

Sometimes I like Singapore.. :P

Watch carefully, this happened last Friday (23 October 2009) in the middle of usually "white collared" business district Raffles Place (smoking, meeting, chit-chat and waiting area). Watch till the end...

(silently weird ) Lack of happiness, noisy presence of unhappiness, figuratively boring life

Someone said "In this world there is nastiness derived from god knows where. you are not this",

you said "You are angry bastard" and you, yes you, said "You are weird".

I am weird angry bastard, not this.

When I suffer too much I'm locking myself inside. Like many others do. It is normal right?

When I'm confused. When I'm in doubt I'm silently here, but my doors are unlocked, just in case. Weakness, when I'm confused.

I'm shutting eyes, I don't care. Weird is good.

Down from the ceiling Drips great noise 
It drips on my head through a hole in the roof.  

Behind these two hills hereThere's a pool  

And when I'm swimming in through a tunnel
I shut my eyes

Message.

listen.

Anger is a GIFT.

I am angry,that's it.

Mr Nothing.

I am getting over it, with a help of vodka and beer. God bless me.

Fire, love and earthquake

I killed at least four texts already..this is my 5th attempt...

This is haunting me since yesterday...

"I tied myself with wire
To let the horses roam free
Playing with the fire
Until the fire played with me"

I could easily dedicate this to someone out there, but at this very moment I think I can relate this to my very own life.

.............................................................................

It was yesterday.

And today... Today I woke up to a very beautiful day. Simply. Without a warning, I had a beautiful child like dream. I don't remember having such beautiful dreams before...Well, I never had such beautiful dreams.

Strange.

Divine intervention maybe, maybe I didn't deserve all this what's happening to me lately or maybe i did, and today is like some sort of retribution package ...and now I wonder what is gonna happen next.

Earthquake struck Indonesia, and Singapore turned into a wobbly boat, it's a second time and now I was scared, it's definitely getting worse. This time it was hard to stop nausea, air was vibrating and floor turned into waving carpet... now to imagine how it was in Padang. Nothing serious in Singapore, we had a few minutes of spooks but there in Padang at least 200 people were killed* and thousands more trapped underneath the rubble... Every time earth tremble under my feet I think of those close to epicenter...
I'll stop here for tonight, I think getting personal now would be of a bad taste.
good night.

*more than 1,000 feared dead (1 am local time)

random ramblings RA-RA or "I don't feel like writing"

OK no F1 cause I'm too lazy, was cool was super hyper noisy and i liked.
Its over now, Singapore govs are sick to the head, they blocked track in case someone could peek for free, very noble..paranoid people.
That's all about F1. Next time I'm gonna pay for tickets (Economy fare-KLM) to Monaco to watch them for free while sippin' some good coffee or wine or both with someone, the best someone with initials LC cause safest :)).
(sentence removed by administrator)--{sounds cool}

And here's my phone..so go figure... I will change it one day I think...

white rabbits everywhere...

Well how do you do?
A kiss on the cheek
It’s been a while
So I’ll just beg, borrow
And steal all your time
We’ll call it dignified
Well now it all seems to be cut and dried
So I know which way to run
You’re tired my love
I feel the same

Well take it from me
What else could you do?
Ah where do you get off
And how can I get there, too?
All your time we'll call it dignified
Well now it all seems to be cut and dried
So I know which way to run
You’re tired my love
I feel the same, ah

You’ll never come back
My god cant you see that
I know which way to run
You’re tired my love
I feel the same
The ladder rung won’t speak my name

Well everyone’s seen you rise and shine
It might not be true but this is fine
Cause I know which way to run
You’re tired my love
I feel the same
The ladder rung won't speak my name
Now even as we jump this ship
Ah just give me some peace of mind
Cause I…

I like how this song appeared yesterday night :) )

You already know this, do you :P and I'm talking here to closest to me. I'm gonna play play play it till...

Took me a while to write down the lyrics..I'm still unsure its all alright...beats me...yeah blah blah I'm sure its all alright :P

ciaos

(composing)..brb :) )

unsaved.

I'm drifting through the days in complete silence. Absolutely inside me.

Sleepless nights.Sleepless thoughts. I'm tired.

I'm sorry.

to be continued...
(listen 5 times a day)

tick tock tick tock...

(...)What can I say? (I don't want to play) anymore
What can I say? I'm heading for the door

I so feel the time now, rushing through my veins. Tick tock tick tock tick tock.... Hahahah this reminded me about one noble owner of Patek Philippe heart. Ticking heart. I'm not scared of you anymore :P 

Called mum today, sighs. As if i had not enough problems...

People says that distant relationship is "no go", and it will never work...I found it's totally opposite. I can have ONLY distant relationship with my mother, close encounters ends in battles after barely one week. So, distant relationship sometimes is the only solution. Now I supposed to act as a mediator in family matters, O.o" NO FREAKIN WAY! 
Duh.

Michael Moore goes to my dusty "lame stuffs hole", man I thought you are seriously "da' man".

"Capitalism* is an evil, and you cannot regulate evil" hmph ok...And sun is hot and sky isn't really blue and small children are small and sour plum is sour... And maybe your next movie will teach us that poop is smelly and rain is usually wet falling from top to the ground not opposite and we have to hate our parents because they brought us to this world.

So what the hell is your problem now? I know t'was noble to say Bush is an asshole, USA sucks, war, poverty, "people are dying", health-care system sucks, people are gettin' guns too easily and killin' each other and old grannies are stupid, I agree with everything..its like..most of us do, right? But man there's soo many things to expose, so many things and happenings to investigate and you are colliding capitalism with democracy...O.o Wanna go back to school? wanna or not? say you want please. Please don't teach us what democracy is, we know more or less, really we know. If we don't know, we google. (I'm expecting Google will pay me for this) 

In political theory, democracy describes a small number of related forms of government and also a political philosophy. Even though there is no specific, universally accepted definition of 'democracy', there are two principles that any definition of democracy includes, equality and freedom.These principles are reflected by all citizens being equal before the law, and having equal access to power. Additionally, all citizens are able to enjoy legitimized freedoms and liberties, which are usually protected by a constitution.

But i wonder if you know that democracy is probably the worst political philosophy on this planet? But it is ONLY philosophy that could possibly work out without making everyone miserable, true too.  At least we know THERE'S No EXISTING AND WORKING PURE FORM OF DEMOCRACY, or that something is not working really democratic way..and we know that because of democracy itself. Too kinky to comprehend, I guess so. So, hmm PRUSA (Peoples Republic of United States of America), would you like that? Why do i feel you'd complain later about it...
COMRADES!!! MOORE FOR PRESIDENT!!! 

"You have to eliminate it and replace it with something that is good for all people and that something is democracy."

I wish I could see this "replacing" process, hmm are those replacement parts are..made in China or made in Russia? Lemme guess...

Phew I feel better now. That's all for now. cheers!

 *Capitalism typically refers to an economic and social system in which the means of production (also known as capital) are privately controlled; labor, goods and capital are traded in a market; profits are distributed to owners or invested in new technologies and industries; and wages are paid to labor.

...

how many triangles are in this picture...?

I just feel DOWN down down..that's all. So nothing much to say since all doors closed.

It's a Mars surface on super-sampled (by me) photo from NASA, they says its just a light.,..OK fine.

Click to see it bigger

(I am talking to myself again)

it doesn't matter

I heard that today, it was unusual 6 in the morning, after struggling for hours with confusion, I hear this:

(...)Though we may be the last in the world
       We feel like pioneers
       Telling hopes and fears
       To one another
     And oh what a feeling
       Inside of me
       It might last for an hour
       Wounds aren't healing
       Inside of me
       Though it feels good now
       I know it's only for now
       The feeling is intense
       You grip me with your eyes
       And then I realize
       It doesn't matter (...)

My night is over. Its time to close all, turn off machinery and lay down wasting another couple of hours. After that switching to I" don't give a damn mode", next short runs, town, lunch*, dinner, "conversations with 'artists' and such " in between and home landing at the end. Phone? What phone? What do i need a phone for anyway, not that I'd ever answer. =.=" pffft So for now I'm sticking to this old carcass of a phone called Nokia. That'll be all for now. Next mid-Monday (mournday, moanday?) entry about " I had planned..but didn't manage" or such.or maybe?..hell who knows maybe..

*  most probably I'm gonna skip lunch, yeah I know that you know that i will, fine =.= it doesn't matter...

merde..

I'm starting to have doubts, about everything and everyone. Paranoia...hello sister :P

I guess I'm gonna close and lock all doors again, for a while or two. It's not that is safe down here in my closet, it's probably more dangerous and destructive to dive into shadows, but I don't really know what to do now. I guess I'm scared. Chicken little, how suitable it is indeed. 
I'm tired its 4:40am, time to tuck in..waiting for hugs, guess I'm gonna hug the pillow (again) for a start. 
Good night :)


PS.

I am getting a new phone today..am I? hmm I should. The point is I don't really know which phone, which plan which... pffft blabber blah, opinion needed.O.o... help me someone?

PsPS.

NO MORE STOMACH ACHE! yeah man! Is it because I'm getting immune to stress or these week end - weekend emo rides? Yeah sure "immune to stress"...laughs... merde =.="

REWIND <<<

I'm not thinking, I'm not thinking, I'm not thinking, I'm not thinking, I'm not thinking, I'm not thinking,

I'm not thinking,


I'm not thinking,


I'm not thinking,


I'm not thinking,


I'm not thinking,


...I'm OK now.

It's just a question of time.

Stomach ache. Since yesterday.
I guess silence and blank entry would be the best.
I can't just leave it blank, hmm though I could.
XXXXX XXX XXXXXXXXXX XXX XX XXXXXXXXXXXX her XXX XXXXX XXXXX him.

"Its not to mess you up. Its just because xxxxx xxx xxxxx xx xxxx :)"
Since morning I'm listening to old "new wave"...love songs O.o. Damn.
There's something seriously wrong with me. When I was a kid i could tolerate only one or two songs by Depeche Mode...=.=" But this song now seem to be soooo soooooo PRETTY to me =}
I'm attaching extra version done by a-ha. for fun and karaoke :P
Enjoy dear reader.

PS.
Damn noises are back, auction of goods, three stages, 6 shouting assholes, I hope they gonna get deaf! Damn you.


News Flash: tomorrow Lily's receiving spanking new Singapore passport. It is a super giant step, you're hero! Congrats Lily!!!


To listen original by Depeche Mode..ask me for file or check this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAL6bdiCSvs

A-Ha:

My secret find. "Crooked sentences collection."

I found it.

Me, the man who cried, I found it and I'm shamelessly proud of it.

I found this what i was subconsciously looking for. Since the (...)

I found it.

It doesn't matter I'm firing outstretched arms to catch this speeding train, I know I found it.

.

The moment of Illumination, in that moment blessed by a sentence so subconsciously shot into my eyes, that blessed sentence, saved me.

Oh yes, I know I'm going to lose myself. This speeding train is gonna rip my heart out of my chest, I'm gonna fall sprayed all over the place, with my soul multiplied into spores, micro-heart shaped myriads of thoughts.

My find...is gonna send me into deepest oblivion. I know it will, even though there's no happy ending to any of my life's stories, I could as well end it here happily now. That's all I ever wanted.

I so don't care :)

I found it.

Libretto

I think I'm still hearing
Hidden under the palm trees
Her tender and sound voice
Like the song of a wood pigeon
O enchanted night
Divine rapture
O charming souvenir
Crazy intoxication! Sweet dream!


In the clearness of the stars
I think I'm still seeing her
Opening her long veils
To the warm winds of the evening
(...)

Et moi dans mon coin

he, he observes you from where he sits
you, it unnerves you, you lose your wits
he, he ignites you with eyes of flame
you, it excites you, you like the game

and i in my chair, 'though i hardly speak
i notice each innuendo
and i in my chair, i'm stricken with fear
at seeing the end so near

he, how to win you, views with a style
you, you continue to coyly smile
he, with his ????? ??? haunting laugh
you, only sorry that i'm around

and i in my chair, 'though i hardly speak
i see just how well he's doing
and i in my chair, i'm trying to hide
the dread that i hold inside

he, his eyes flatter, your glances touch
you, now you chatter a bit too much
he, like a gypsy, he serenades
you, you grow tipsy, your laugh cascades

and i in my chair, 'though i hardly speak
my heart's on the verge of crying
and i in my chair, my heart understands
my love is now changing hands

no, no, no it's nothing, perhaps a little tired only
why do you ask me to conclude...
this was a beautiful evening
yes indeed a, a beautiful evening

It's happening again, I'm losing days, I remember Sunday morning and almost whole Monday, yesterday's gone.
I recorded noticeably only part of yesterday's night. Silence ripped in few places by ambulances and random cats.
Somehow everything diluted and dissolved into today, extra sound of passing train, conversations.
Silence.
Silence or just solitude. Either way, I'm losing days, silently.

I'm reading again. My reading it's about locking myself inside, its not about reading a novel. For a longer while caught myself on flipping pages, senseless, and it's not because I know this novel very well. I'm just thinking way too much about nothing or more like I'm focused on silence inside me. Celebrating blank darkish zones of my mind. Oh how beautiful and ugly nothing is there.
So comforting after turbulence of fears and stormy thoughts of this what passing and this what I Could If I Would, and howling What's Next and lurking What Now.
I am officially a lazy coward. I lost Everything What Is Me long time ago (self righteous statement - I could debate on that with myself) , I'm crawling down here waiting for hands to lift me up, and I know that only arms able to lift this heavy ME, from the bottoms, only arms able to lift this heavy ME are mine own arms. My own arms.
But I'm still waiting.
I want to experiment. I won't wait, I'll try to change. From now on.
...I'll do the laundry now. It's a good start.

I'm prepared to lose another couple of days before Sunday or Saturday. This just in case, if I fail.

The First

It's been a very long time, from the moment I thought about pouring it all on paper to the present day when everyone got something to say, to "pour", to explain and teach, when person equal an exhibit of its own, exposed because it says "You Can!" and this all for us for you for me for him and her for those out there and here nearby, for everyone. Massive give-away of thoughts, feelings, not important musings, viva la internet!
sighs...
I guess it is my turn now. I'll try to stay up there, away from myself, in case I could be wrong again...well just in case.