GOOD.

Flipped the "pages" of my blog.

Sadness, fears, confusion, LOADS of strange and unnecessary feelings.

Time to change.

I'm a good guy for god's sakes, a cheerful good dude.

But when I read all this...

:)

I'll never make it in time...

This is why, sometimes is better to soak in sounds.

Beirut- East Harlem

Me

I forgot who I am.

Angel, dealing with "happy" or "I'm coming, wait." (edited re-post of "To my luck and happiness")

"The more you deny the bigger suffering and no earth no heavens will help. Because torturing won't make you better, won't make you worse.

Stop repetitions of this celebration of rejections, of "no's" and denials.

You don't have to, because I know, I know and I'm not trying to change anything."

                                                                                           (me)

Fury of screen bright colors dancing in the light cones, all around me.

Why can't I breathe. 

Sounds of the street. 

People I swim between in some frantic but swift slalom, they blink and twinkle, unaware.

Their voices that merely audible and so alien that my brain melts them into shapes and scents because it's the only way to comprehend.

Escalator, tap the card, now front crawl, fast to surface, I'm out, I still can't breathe.

I'm not unhappy. "I'mnotunhappy","I'mnotunhappy","I'mnotunhappy","I'mnotunhappy".

All i see now is their feet, heels, buttocks' sway. 

Trying to turn my head, I see kicked plastic cup rolling on left swerving dangerously on the right side of the curb, patterns...

Rushing up now, because there is little time, 
I'm gonna be late again.
White feathers and sweat droplets.
I can't breathe.

Only the angel that follows me has a big black wings, pale white face with a pair of pitch black eyes staring at the world from behind of my shoulders.

Peacefully. Steadily and firm.

This angel has no mouth to speak, this angel feels only and in feelings is buried its heart like in ashes of this what was before. I, mistaken, tried to carve mouth on its face to make it speak to me. There was nothing but anger in return and it rained back with myriads of droplets of silence and no tears. I failed. 

Now angel follows me whenever I go, it follows my emotions and my confused subconsciousness. But its ambivalent to everything what happens to me, to whatever I feel and anything I do, it is there for own reasons, reasons I don't want to understand. This angel don't want to be mine either, its there because it want to BE. 

It won't go away even after me, with the same lack of smile or scorn on its face. 
Like mime inside the invisible cage.

I jumped in the river and what did I see?

Black-eyed angels swam with me

A moon full of stars and astral cars

All the things I used to see

All my lovers were there with me

All my past and futures

And we all went to heaven in a little row boat

There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

                                              (radiohead "Pyramid song")

I can.

I'm working on it.

It will take some time yet.

I will finish it, even if later, I'll call this "Papples and T(h)ree"

I will work hard.
I will create.
I will create way more.
I will buy laptop.
I will buy a professional camera.
I'll take all what's mine.
I will be giving back.

I won't be unhappy.

I will share some love.

I promise I will sell.

I will share.
I won't be falling sick.
I will stay in touch with friends and family.
I'll be weird.
I'll work out.
I'll be more sensitive.
I'll be angry less often.
I'll be me.

This is not a bucket list.

This is called COMEBACK.

Seven drafts "in writing".

I'll rest now.

I feel alone.

Micro thing.

There are like oceans of awesome people around me. Beautiful people. Sexy people. Handsome people. Interesting people. Rich and successful people. Hyper intelligent people. Fragile people. Strong people. Ferrari driving people. Lamborghini driving people. BMW people. Private jet owner people. Having completely nothing people. Loved people. Desired people. Adored people. Hated people. Con artists people. Super Average people. Famous people. Infamous people. "Blogger" people. Traders. Actors. Sportsmen. Artists. Novelists. Pilots. Firefighters. Sexy models. Adrenaline junkies. Complex femme fatale. And even Britney Spears and Prime Ministers.

And I am such a micro thing.

This week even nano-thing, that's why now I am scared of wind.

The New

I bought a pretty big canvas (yeah I'm too lazy to stretch canvas on my own),

a set of brand new acrylics and set of pretty expensive brushes. 

I'm going to paint again.

The new one.

Japan

I don't really know what to say. 

I don't want to dive into cliche. 

I can't pray, so I wont' say "(...) my prayers are...".

I'm only sorry, terrified, disturbed.

I wish this never happened.

We are so fragile.

I like.

I LIKE UNDERWATER MYSTERIES.

FEEL FREE TO CLICK.

http://www.grahamhancock.com/gallery/underwater/yonaguni.htm

(gallery with underwater photos of structures off the coast of Jima, Yonaguni)

...

(...) this is more than silly to use bypass just to check my blog.

I don't have 'ny readers in Russia. For real.

No-Fly Zone

"...because you know lately I'm not really being me. I'm happy. Actually it is kind of complex, I am but...I am also scared of this. You see, everything is just ..strangely...good. I've nothing to fear because nothing left to fear and now I'm shocked by this "all's good", yet this "all's good" is really good. It's like first time in my life EVERYTHING is good. But don't get me wrong, is not as in I'm overly happy yet this happiness is almost brutally obvious, but it isn't state of euphoria like "OMG! OH NO I CAN'T BELIEVE! THIS IS UNREAL." but this happiness just got me unprepared, I'm not sure what next and what to do with all this neatly combed, divided on equally righteous parts, plain bright and glowing elements of every day and this ..this state of "Nothing To Worry All Is Good And All Is Good For Real And With Every Minute Is Even Better, because you know, I don't really know what to do with this, and how am I supposed to live happily, like I ever knew how to, like what like being happy? Just like that? So you know 'cause of this I'm slightly disturbed and sad...so yeah, crappy yeah. Just like that No-Fly Zone thingy, spooky OMG. "