an update

My old friend Dengue fever strikes back, I feel like shit and am unable to write. 

Simply. 

I wholeheartedly hate "my" dengue. I was writing (yeah we like it this way) a letter to you Cristina, but I can't, I have to postpone. I'm on the swing of high fever and hypothermia, vertigo, I can't think. Sorry people.

Hello World.

I want to tell you about love :)

Love that is. Not what it is or how it is or why it is not.

Just. Because all is love. Just. But then again, you will find more about love watching these movies I'm going to write about.
I watched two different..but somehow similar movies, and I really loved it.

Where The Wild Things Are its the one of those movies i won't forget for a super long time, I tell you what, whatever you say, just go and watch, this is all about love and that's it, and I love it. And if you have a heart and bits of soul you will love it too, its not about stripping meaning of love to the bones, analyzing whats and "fors", this is just about this sadness and "angst" in (...)

OK I deleted like 99% of all this, its just because I found my blabber hopelessly inadequate, simply it is a wonderful, magical film for adults (sighs, cranky again), if you allow it to take you into its extraordinary realm... oh whatever just ...watch it.

Another cinematic discovery, The Fall, its a gem, not just a movie, a pure jewel. For many reasons so damn close to my messed up life.I would never understand why it is a pretty much unknown movie, heavily underrated, deserves tons of Oscars.

Movie's two stories intertwine in perfect harmony - that of the little girl Alexandria(Catinca Untaru) with a broken arm befriending a crippled Hollywood stuntman Roy (Lee Pace) with an epic fable, and that of the fable itself; which involves a band of outcasts seeking revenge on the "Evil Governor Odeous". Roy manages to keep little Alexandria interested in his story by conforming it to her imagination, we learn quickly that he has his own reasons for spinning this tale for his little friend.
Wonderful performances, Catinca, especially, is so adorable that one cannot help but fall in love with her. Watching her performance, you have an impression, a strong impression she is not acting, she just being herself, living these fables and whole movie in such wonderful way that is beyond description, you gotta love it. Filmed in many countries in various locations, from Cambodia, through Egyptian dessert, Spanish Alhambra to California, amazing visuals, breathtaking images.  You have to watch to understand, this is definitely one of my most favorite movies of all times. Shit and it made my eyes wet a bit, maybe cause of colors, dunno, real men don't cry, right.

...so, you'll ask, what's in it about love? 

Well everything. :)

Because all is love,

for real.

I survived

I survived.

Tomorrow (today) is another day of my journey.

It is such a ...strange time :)

Lost in explosions

I'm being forced to drink Chivas...O.o

I'm not sure what next. 

Oh I miss stuffs and all.

I'm not really in shape to compose or let my thoughts fly freely,

I'm totally absorbed by color RED, smoke of fireworks, explosions and strange noise of yet more strange languages.

 Happy Lunar New Year.

Kung Hei Fat Choi!

Yes I am in Asia.

I can feel it now.

PS.Nicole thanks for sms.

.

Thursday's note.

 I didn't call even tho I promised to do so, I'm so really sorry I couldn't, really.

(I asked for permission to copy and paste and its edited to save you from nasty details):

xxx xxx: i am only a friend ur trying to help to feel better
xxx xxx: so in order to help u made promises that in the end u urself will say u did not mean it. u did it just to help...........
Robbie: who the fuck is gonna help me? huh
Robbie: you?
Robbie: your family ? father of your son?
Robbie: would you like to help me? COULD you? in any way?
xxx xxx: ur indeed an american
xxx xxx: thank u
Robbie: what a disgusting remark
Robbie: and i just wanted to know how are you ...jesus..really i had enough

 xxx xxx: oh huh really? i am so touched and i am guilty..i am sooo scared now
Robbie: i really had enough, all this week,
Robbie: month and all
Robbie: nvm
Robbie: forget it 

xxx xxx: i speak my mind and if i have to say sorry i say it. i don't make excuses just to prove i am somebody...
Robbie: lol like am making excuses to prove anything, esp that I'm "somebody" when i know I'm nothing
Robbie: forget it, serious
Robbie: u are right, I should just stay away

xxx xxx: oh i forgot ur a great great guy so i guess everything u do and say is correct and reliable and always true..
xxx xxx: i did not know ur that complicated and pride is over flowing....no wonder ur left behind and got ditched and get nothing but broken heart and promises...should i say serve u right? well, no i am not as mean as somebody or anybody...just let us forget each other...i had too much of it..and when i say i get tired i really mean it
xxx xxx: bye

xxx xxx: if u want to paste me all over ur blog up to u..i dont care. paste it and be proud that there is someone who was once crazily in love with u but in the end u made her slap her own face....

Robbie: you never loved me

xxx xxx: yes i forgot that u like to judge people according to ur selfish ways so i wont react on u saying i wasn't in love with u

so..who's next?

Thursday, I wish it was the day of change, I'm tired of  being a punching bag, for last couple of weeks, I'm tired. 

Like i deserve all this.

People talk whatever they please, for whatever reasons. 

I don't want to listen anymore.

My (and it's silly) take on ..

So... racism.

Slippery subject isn't it.

I'm Caucasian, you'd say "whitey" and it'll be most polite synonym I could earn from you. 

We whiteys used to believe that we are the most racist ethnicity in the world (silly) and in schools, churches (some of 'em anyway) we supposed to learn its not good and we have to, and we should and and and etc. 

So seem we're same racist like any other ethnicity in the world, but why this "brilliant" discovery doesn't make me feel better? 

More complex and more confusing. Specially when on this pure "you are different" take, comes socioeconomically based racism.

I could wonder why, but we all know why, and we still dig in deeper. 

Why we do fall into racism? Isn't it enough of fat vs skinny, tall vs short, ugly vs beautiful, old vs young, gay vs hetero, and that eternal female vs male.

Like I am better, someone I don't know, some stranger from this mad internet, "accused" me of being an "indian in disguise" (Indian - person from India, we call 'em Hindus, they wouldn't like that either), oh to all my white readers, in South East Asia being an Indian is like being an ...Afro-American (sorry) in Denver in mid 50's, so go figure. And I have no idea why...because of "you know what", specially that for most of you out there's no difference between Japanese and Chinese, and you know that too well. 

Anyway I got offended and there's another part of this story but it isn't for this entry and I doubt I will ever blog about it.
I got offended.

Damn!... and after a while I felt..ugly, this is really...ugly feeling.

It's not even because I should just ignore that crap, I was offended because he "accused" me of being an "indian"

Got it?, as well he or she could say I'm being Chinese or Eskimo or hell even talking monkey, but that "indian" factor got on my nerves, like ...hell O.o I guess I wouldn't mind normally I wouldn't give a damn, but suddenly after these couple of  years in Asia I do mind, and subconsciously I didn't want to be synonymous to any ..Indian. I know shame on me, and I really thought I'm so bullshit-proof, but am not, environment slowly like a dripping water drilled in me new channel filled with new to my culture (new?) racial treat, "indian factor", yet I didn't know about its presence in me.

And I started to think, what actually shapes our likes and dislikes, what beside "obvious" is shaping our perception. What it is? What really equates me with this "everything"...

note to myself

BULLSHIT HURTS

 

this song tells my feelings

I feel nothing but
Joy and pride and happiness
Nothing but cheerful face with kindness
I feel nothing but oceans of love and forgiveness

(Please ignore the particular way i smile)

Spiritual Teaching

Strange conversation from the past:

(no pun intended) 

Robbie: YO WAKE UP...omg FORGET ABOUT THAT STORY, my question got nothing to do with that
story omg..lol, seriously
Robbie: focus omg
Robbie: i am asking you, what is mature behavior and what is immature behavior to you, on
one example, in its mature and opposite form ..for comparison
Xxxxxxx_xxx: hmmm
Robbie: ok nvm, I think you are bit tired
Robbie: what time you want to sleep?
Xxxxxxx_xxx: soon
Xxxxxxx_xxx: okay, like this
Xxxxxxx_xxx: i cant think of example
Robbie: cause i don't even like that mature and immature, its so fake
Robbie: its about emotions too
Xxxxxxx_xxx: but when end up in a fight, that's immature
Robbie: its like tellin emotions are immature?
Robbie: or lack of control over emotions is immature
Xxxxxxx_xxx: fight is an action
Xxxxxxx_xxx: yup
Xxxxxxx_xxx: correct
Xxxxxxx_xxx: you got it
Robbie: then ..affections would be ...typical immature behavior?
Robbie: no i don't get it you see :))
Xxxxxxx_xxx: true
Robbie: it isnt immature to me
Xxxxxxx_xxx: not really
Robbie: its totally fake statement
Xxxxxxx_xxx: if you read spiritual book
Xxxxxxx_xxx: then you get the whole idea
Robbie: which book is spiritual to you?
Xxxxxxx_xxx: everything is still
Xxxxxxx_xxx: peaceful
Robbie: huh?
Robbie: manual of my TV is peaceful, is it spiritual?
Xxxxxxx_xxx: all the emotions and actions are false identification
Xxxxxxx_xxx: yup
Robbie: identification of what?
Xxxxxxx_xxx: you are not spiritual
Xxxxxxx_xxx: ego
Robbie: like you'd know i am or not :P
Xxxxxxx_xxx: well, you have a lot of ego in you
Robbie: O.o another interesting statement
Xxxxxxx_xxx: you are not, really, although you keep saying you are
Xxxxxxx_xxx: your blog already shows you are not
Xxxxxxx_xxx: you are someone always lives in past
Xxxxxxx_xxx: sad
Robbie: hey can I use log of this conversation in my blog? I will remove your id for sure,
so no worries you will be anonymous
Robbie: my blog shows that I live in the past?
Xxxxxxx_xxx: *roll eyes*
Robbie: where does it show?
Robbie: my blog is about happenings of today's
Robbie: only
Robbie: not yesterdays
Xxxxxxx_xxx: it's not incidents
Xxxxxxx_xxx: it's the manner of your expression
Xxxxxxx_xxx: well, not that I'm any better than you
Robbie: shoot an example
Xxxxxxx_xxx: not trying to show you that
Xxxxxxx_xxx: okay the one i commented
Robbie: its my blog and i don't think so, and you reading my blog already categorized me as
"non spiritual" person, some say I'm spiritual though
Robbie: even my mother am afraid
Robbie: she says I'm TOO spiritual for my own sake
Xxxxxxx_xxx: maybe you just haven't met anyone in a correct meaning of spiritual
Robbie: and what is the correct meaning of being spiritual
Xxxxxxx_xxx: or those people you meet are not spiritual at all
Robbie: to me you are not spiritual at all to be honest =.= no offense tho
Xxxxxxx_xxx: i think our definition of spiritual here is different, im afraid
Robbie: that is why I asked you for it
Xxxxxxx_xxx: same here, also
Xxxxxxx_xxx: to be honest
Robbie: why*
Xxxxxxx_xxx: i don't understand why you keep saying you are spiritual
Robbie: ok I will have to type slower LOL its hard to read all this
Xxxxxxx_xxx: ha ha
Xxxxxxx_xxx: it's like dog fights here
Xxxxxxx_xxx: woof woof
Robbie: I never said that i said people see me as such, I don't really care if I am or not,
I am me, and i don't' like labels
Xxxxxxx_xxx: okay last question before i go offline
Xxxxxxx_xxx: what is the definition of spirituality to you
Xxxxxxx_xxx: just tell me, and i will ponder and let you know later
Robbie: Xxxxxxx_xxx: maybe you just haven't met anyone in a correct meaning of spiritual
Robbie: and what is the correct meaning of being a spiritual
Robbie: answer first on my question you purposely skipped
Robbie: that would be "mature" ;)
Xxxxxxx_xxx: well, my definition is into spiritual teachings
Xxxxxxx_xxx: i didn't purposely skip that
Xxxxxxx_xxx: please don't accuse me
Xxxxxxx_xxx: gee, you are so difficult
Robbie: so what is that definition?
Xxxxxxx_xxx: please don't tell me your definition is your own spirituality
Xxxxxxx_xxx: your own thoughts
Xxxxxxx_xxx: i already told you, if you still don't know, then our definition is obviously
different
Robbie: OK whatever it is, just tell me that definition of spirituality and what is that
correct meaning of being spiritual
Xxxxxxx_xxx: okay, define enlightenment
Xxxxxxx_xxx: since you claim you are very spiritual
Robbie: erm
Robbie: like where did i claim it?
Xxxxxxx_xxx: spirituality is such a general term, sweetie
Xxxxxxx_xxx: my definition is related to enlightenment
Robbie: ...
Xxxxxxx_xxx: the ultimate inner peace
Robbie: so you are spiritual, meaning you are ...enlightened?
Xxxxxxx_xxx: and connection to the Source
Xxxxxxx_xxx: nope
Xxxxxxx_xxx: when one is spiritual, doesn't mean one is enlightened, maybe not fully
Robbie: oh and you achieved zen or nirvana already or what the heck... wait ..then you met
that person in correct meaning of spirituality, which means (still dunno what) but I guess
enlightened person?
Xxxxxxx_xxx: you see, the level of spirituality and consciousness is different in everyone
Robbie: source of what?
Xxxxxxx_xxx: never mind :)
Robbie: man! MIND!!
Robbie: I want to know
Xxxxxxx_xxx: I think our definition is obviously different
Robbie: its so not spiritual right now
Xxxxxxx_xxx: it's okay
Xxxxxxx_xxx: gosh. ou are so active
Xxxxxxx_xxx: you dont sleep so early do you
Xxxxxxx_xxx: okay like this
Robbie: I don't have ANY definition of spirituality, I'm tryin to learn from you what it
is..and you are like..not tellin me much
Xxxxxxx_xxx: im gonna tell you something
Xxxxxxx_xxx: you can choose to believe it or not
Xxxxxxx_xxx: something happen to me last year
Robbie: after scrolling up and down this conversation i still don't know, it could be pound
of flur as well as road accident,
Robbie: flour*
Robbie: OK what happened to you last year ?
Xxxxxxx_xxx: well, i think you are spiritual, i agree, but you haven't found your inner
peace yet
Robbie: ...
Robbie: you are jumper
Xxxxxxx_xxx: spiritual awakening
Robbie: 100% you have ZERO inner peace, you can't focus and stick to the one thing you
started by yourself,
Xxxxxxx_xxx: i dont know how to describe it, but i have a good example
Robbie: alright shoot an example
Xxxxxxx_xxx: sweetie, im just sharing to you
Xxxxxxx_xxx: you dont have to attack me or anything, ha ha
Xxxxxxx_xxx: my mask is all dried up
Robbie: I am not attacking you! not my intention its just lively conversation not even
discussion, cause i can't find a clear definition of a subject to discuss it with you, we're
still goin there
Xxxxxxx_xxx: you know who is Eckhart Tolle?
Xxxxxxx_xxx: i guess you can read a bit about him
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eckhart_Tolle
Xxxxxxx_xxx: i need to take off my mask
Robbie: yeah i know who was eckhart tolle i don't need to read about him
Robbie: and so what?
Robbie: hes makin nice money tho
Robbie: btw could you imagine yourself having sex with him?
Robbie: its a part of spiritualism
Robbie: anyway and anyhow
Xxxxxxx_xxx: omg
Robbie: yes?
Xxxxxxx_xxx: hahaha
Xxxxxxx_xxx: you are so cute
Xxxxxxx_xxx: :-*
Robbie: its nothing new to me Xxx
Robbie: i mean his "teachings"
Robbie: same sentences i heard years ago or read in books old like omg
Xxxxxxx_xxx: alright, you seem to know more, so you should tell me more
Robbie: but what it has to do with your spiritualism>? and what it has to do with my
eventual lack of spiritualism?
Xxxxxxx_xxx: how come we are talking about this?
Xxxxxxx_xxx: okay, anyway, so tell me about your spiritualism definition
Robbie: no you are the one who is locking me inside boxes with labels "non spiritual"
telling me about your spirituality or "correct meaning" of it..but you didn't tell me
anything yet
Xxxxxxx_xxx: okay, so it's me who made the mistake then
Robbie: i have no DEFINITION of spirituality, a "definition" of it is already seriously far
from spiritualism
Xxxxxxx_xxx: i shouldnt say that
Xxxxxxx_xxx: okay, hehe :D
Robbie: unless we want to earn money on selling books or access to super spiritual online TV
for 65 bucks a month
Xxxxxxx_xxx: you are just so cute, i dont know why
Robbie: maybe I am beyond that already, have you ever thought about it
Xxxxxxx_xxx: i guess if i were a professor, i would love a student like u
Robbie: why do I have that silly impression I'm being your professor and you are slowly
sliding into position of a bit stubborn and lazy student, sleeper - I'd say
Robbie: :))
Robbie: nvm indeed
Xxxxxxx_xxx: ah
Xxxxxxx_xxx: i feel so clean and fresh now
Robbie: it would take damn long time to really open your eyes on things
Robbie: you really should check your computer for viruses
Xxxxxxx_xxx: i dont really care
Xxxxxxx_xxx: i think it's the connection'
Robbie: am afraid its your computer not only connection
Xxxxxxx_xxx: well, it's been so long since i chat so long with someone
Xxxxxxx_xxx: okay, i will do that
Robbie: hope it feels better now :)
Xxxxxxx_xxx: i will let you go now
Xxxxxxx_xxx: im gonna cuddle and sleep
Robbie: sweet dreams
Xxxxxxx_xxx: you have a good night